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It’s been a couple weeks since my last post. We drove to California and back for a vacation, and I could be writing about that, but first let’s make up for some lost time

51. Make up a definition for the following silly words…

Jeez, I hate these kind of survey questions

Fruitgoogle:

When a mixture of fruit pulp, applesauce, yogurt, etc. that is sold in toothpaste tubes and marketed to kids is swirled and doodled out on the school cafeteria table.

Ambytime:

When it’s time for an Ambien.

Asscactus:

Next day stubble after shaving your butt.

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?

I suppose my current cup of coffee and last night’s dinner don’t count since I used tools instead of my hands. I don’t knead dough or create art. Does a keyboard count as a tool? Cuz I’m using my hands to type this.

53. What was your favorite toy as a child?

I don’t know that I had one. When I was five there was an old weathered piece of wood from my Grandparents’ yard (it might’ve once been part of a picnic table leg for all I know) that if you thought really hard from a five-year-old’s perspective could have been a rifle. I played with that all Summer until the asshole neighbor (a teenager named Jerry who was also my babysitter when the folks would go out) threw it in the Spokane River.

54. How many TV’s are in your house?

Two. One’s not plugged in and since I never plugged it into the bedroom (and where would I find room for it there anyway, pray tell?) I should put it on the KAOS Community Billboard. The other’s in the livingroom. We don’t have cable, don’t really miss it, and have plenty of DVDs that haven’t even been watched yet.

55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?

I used to walk trails, but it’s been awhile. Nothing more strenuous than the hike to Mima Falls. I used to ride my bike on the Chehalis-Western Trail, but that was back in 2003 and there’s more of it now that I want to cover.

56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?

I check for an Alexander’s Band and maybe point it out.

57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?

Eventually, since I’ve dreamt that myself and others have died. And…ahem…I may or may not have dreamt something or other months, even years, before the first time.

58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?

I’ve never gone to anyone’s shop, and try as he might Starwing never convinced me to buy him a drink in exchange for a reading (Who’s Starwing you ask? Old friend, Long story.)

But sometimes kids at school would lay the cards out, and once I bought a pack from a former Olympia store called Five Corners. Among other things I started setting the cards out at a CYO meeting one Sunday night, Tim Milnes the director asked me if I was trying to start a fire and requested I put them away.

Then a week or so after that Nikki – who would end up being one of the few post-school pre-Facebook friends – asked to “borrow” them and never returned them. I suspect she was getting them away from me for Christian reasons – and anyway, I read later that it’s bad luck to buy your own, they should be given as a gift.

59. What is your idea of paradise?

Paradise on Earth or beyond? Here, it’s no stress, regardless of weather or location. Later, who knows, except I guess I’ll get the no stress wish over there.

60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?

They didn’t capitalize His name in the question. Tsk Tsk. Incorporeal, before the begining and after the end, a bit bi-polar, sometimes petty, sometimes sadistic – yet in His second form all-forgiving, understanding, patient, rarely angry, gracious. I believe in Him – sometimes with an irreverence it’s true, but belief nonetheless.

61. Do you believe in Hell?

Yes, although rather than a firey world of magma and pitchforks I expect it’s an existence (or lack of existence) in the absence of God. And pitch black. And you don’t end up there for not believing, or for being Jewish/Muslim/Hindu/Buddhist/etc., or for crimes committed through life. You only end up there for Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, the only unforgivable sin, which basically amounts to knowing (and the key word is “knowing”, not just merely being told and expected to believe but truly knowing) that Jesus is Savior but denying Him anyway. “Pater, dimitte illis: non enim sciunt quid faciunt.”

62. What one thing have you done that most people haven’t?

I married Tammy T!

63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?

I’ll have to let someone else answer that, if there is an answer.

64. Are you a patient person?

I’m patient with myself, not so much with others.

65. What holiday should exist but doesn’t?

March 27 should be a Federal Holiday commemorating that day in 1987 when Hulk Hogan bodyslammed Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III in the Pontiac Silverdome in front of 93,173 people.

66. What holiday shouldn’t exist but does?

Black Friday.

Also, once I overheard a couple old biddies complain that it was Secretary’s Day and that it was the stupidest holiday they ever heard of. Since I, a guy, was the only one near them they assumed there weren’t any secretaries in earshot. Even though I still sit at a front desk and answer phones, my current work changed my job title so I don’t get coffee mugs anymore.

67. What’s the best joke you ever heard?

There’s no point in repeating it. It’s been said too many times, it’s lost it.

68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?

Maybe Disneyland. Or maybe one of the mid-90s parties out near Evergreen. Or maybe Manhattan, maybe Amsterdam. That’s it, Amsterdam. Wait, Bergen was pretty fun too. I just can’t decide.

69. Is your hair natural or dyed?

What hair?

70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?

The truth will come out, preferably after I’m gone.

71. What is under your bed right now?

Whatever needed to be long-term temporarily moved out of the way.

72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?

You mean Australia? I haven’t been there but I think my Sister would vouch that it’s a great place to live. Oh, you probably meant Oswald State Correctional Facility and I would want to go home.

73. If you drive do you frequently speed?

No, in fact I always use the cruise control.

74. What is the world’s best song to dance to?

Just about anything from the 80s – but it takes at least a pint of a half of porter or stout.

75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?

I don’t remember. It was that long ago. During the 4th of July I was swaying and walking with Daisy while the fireworks drove her nuts, and the only thing that calmed her down was when I started singing Pilate’s Dream from Jesus Christ Superstar.

76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?

Aren’t they all owned by the same corporation anymore?

77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?

The monkeys or the seals.

78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?

Nope.

79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?

I thought so – but apparently not based on something I saw on Discovery or National Geographic.

80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?

Live.

81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?

The Tenth Amendment.

82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole?

Equator.

83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?

Easy choice, since there’s now dozens if not hundreds of music channels.

84. What do you think makes someone a hero?

Well, what do you think? The person behind the counter at the sandwich shop, duh!

85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?

Wacky Races – so that I could tell Dick Dastardly that when I was four I always thought, despite the mustache, I always thought he was a woman.

86. Name one thing that turns your stomach:

Rick Santorum

87. What was the last thing you paid for?

Milk and eggs

88. Are you a coupon clipper?

No

89. Get anything good in the mail recently?

Yesterday I got the last disc of Season Three of The Wire from Netflix.

90. Which would you rather take as a gym class…dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?

There’s no 5th choice?

91. In Star Trek people ‘beam’ back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person’s memories. So…

Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends?

No, and the episode where there were two William Riker’s illustrates what’s wrong with that setup.

92. What insects are you afraid of?

I prefer to catch-and-release but I still hate seeing spiders crawling around.

93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?

Like I’ll think of something that hasn’t already been printed. I wish I had an “I Shot JR” shirt in the Summer of ’80 when I was seven.

94. What’s the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?

As far as I know all the footage has either been destroyed or placed in a safe.

95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?

Raspberries – so I probably wouldn’t have to worry anyway.

96. What are your parents interested in?

You’ll have to ask them.

97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?

No.

Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal?

No.

98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?

Neither helps much. Only results do.

99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?

Two decades ago.

100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?

Tent, goose-down sleeping bag, and a loaded gun because if I think the police response to Olympia’s Eastside Neighborhood is too long…

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